It has been 10 days since I was meant to
post and I have not. I'm sorry. The last ten days have been something from
another world that I sometimes wish I understood more thoroughly. Here's the
run down:
After my last post my great aunt passed
away after a long and relentless battle with cancer. We knew her time was
coming but we didn't expect it to be so soon. I miss her very much and now
understand that we really do not understand what we had till it's gone. That
woman cared for me and loved me like I didn't even know. She gave me advice on
things that affected me in the greater parts of my life and has in many ways
inspired me to be a better woman today. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it
enough and that because I got too caught up in what my life was becoming I
didn't go see you. I'm sorry, I love you, and I’ll see you soon.
Directly after her death I started to
work. This summer I am working with 5th through 8th graders at a summer
technology camp for which I am one of the counselors. Being around so many
bright children that want to learn and are so well behaved, for the most part,
made me feel a lot better and has really helped me through this grieving
period.
Our first week with the kids was great and
I really got to see how the kids interacted with us and the other children so
it was great. I'll talk about the second week in a bit but it's a key role in
how I think this summer will continue to progress. To clarify when I say
"our" I mean the kids and my coworkers. I have had the immense
pleasure of working with some of my favorite people in this world. I have known
these people for about four years now and they are the type of people I hope
stick around for a long time. They mean a lot to me even though it may not
always be a mutual feeling I know that on my end of the spectrum I would do
anything for these people even though I do bitch quite a bit sometimes, but so
do they so it's an even trade I think.
The only thing that it’s kind of makeshift
about these friendships is that I came it at quite a late time into their
already established friendships so I was a bit of an outsider and then I made
some pretty horrible "friend" choices that have led them not to trust
me completely which is something I completely understand and am working to fix.
But there are also some things that they do that just make me feel like shit.
Here's an example one day at work one of my coworkers and I were stuck doing
some super boring work for one of our bosses and were just waiting for our
lunch break. I usually either bring my lunch or just wait till I get out of
work to eat since I usually am out of work by about 4 pm. That day in
particular I had a migraine and was starving so I was really hoping some food
was in the near future for me. Turns out it wasn't but that's not the point the
point is that one of my coworkers had gone out to get lunch and as always had
forgotten about my existence. I'm used to it so I didn't say anything but the
thing is the person that went out had texted the person I was with and knew I
was with them. In that moment I realized that it doesn't really matter what I
do that one person in particular doesn't give a flying fuck about me but it
hurts because I care so much about them. I don't know that was just one thing
that added to how crap I was already feeling both physically and emotionally. I
love all of them even the one person who clearly could care less about me so I
have just grown used to it. My friends, even though I have never told them have
brought me back from some really bad places and I think that's why I have grown
to be how I am. I don't know it's a complicated life I lead but I am very okay
with it.
Moving on, why the second week was kind of
a shit storm. From start to finish I had the worst migraine I have ever experienced,
I haven't been able to really sleep or eat or in actuality do much of anything.
But I have still woken up every day at 6 am to get ready for work. When it
comes to myself and taking care of my actual being I can be a bit of an idiot,
I put everyone's safety and well-being ahead of mine and I'm pretty sure that
isn't the best way to live. Any way I have felt like someone had taken my head
and played an entire game of soccer plus an extra quarter with it. I currently
still feel like that but I think I'll be fine. I will keep you updated on how
everything plays out.
These last ten days have not even slightly
been the best. They have been okay and I can only try to make them better.
Emotionally I have felt triggered and really wanting to fall into old habits. I
just have felt useless and as if my sadness is ruining everyone else around me,
which is something I don’t want to happen. As always I think I will be able to
work past it but something feel different this time around. I'll make sure to
talk about how I'm feeling in my Monday post. Once again I am so sorry for
missing so many days. It's tough getting used to a new writing schedule. I have
to go and finish marathoning the latest season of Modern Family. Stay safe.
xx.
- Brooklyn Rubi
Name: Migraine
Artist: Twenty One Pilots
Album: Vessel
Why: First off its not a favorite because I have had a continuous migraine but
because of the lyrics: "Thank God it's Friday. 'Cause Fridays will always be
better than Sundays. 'Cause Sundays are my suicide days."
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