10 Days

It has been 10 days since I was meant to post and I have not. I'm sorry. The last ten days have been something from another world that I sometimes wish I understood more thoroughly. Here's the run down: 

After my last post my great aunt passed away after a long and relentless battle with cancer. We knew her time was coming but we didn't expect it to be so soon. I miss her very much and now understand that we really do not understand what we had till it's gone. That woman cared for me and loved me like I didn't even know. She gave me advice on things that affected me in the greater parts of my life and has in many ways inspired me to be a better woman today. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it enough and that because I got too caught up in what my life was becoming I didn't go see you. I'm sorry, I love you, and I’ll see you soon. 

Directly after her death I started to work. This summer I am working with 5th through 8th graders at a summer technology camp for which I am one of the counselors. Being around so many bright children that want to learn and are so well behaved, for the most part, made me feel a lot better and has really helped me through this grieving period. 

Our first week with the kids was great and I really got to see how the kids interacted with us and the other children so it was great. I'll talk about the second week in a bit but it's a key role in how I think this summer will continue to progress. To clarify when I say "our" I mean the kids and my coworkers. I have had the immense pleasure of working with some of my favorite people in this world. I have known these people for about four years now and they are the type of people I hope stick around for a long time. They mean a lot to me even though it may not always be a mutual feeling I know that on my end of the spectrum I would do anything for these people even though I do bitch quite a bit sometimes, but so do they so it's an even trade I think. 

The only thing that it’s kind of makeshift about these friendships is that I came it at quite a late time into their already established friendships so I was a bit of an outsider and then I made some pretty horrible "friend" choices that have led them not to trust me completely which is something I completely understand and am working to fix. But there are also some things that they do that just make me feel like shit. Here's an example one day at work one of my coworkers and I were stuck doing some super boring work for one of our bosses and were just waiting for our lunch break. I usually either bring my lunch or just wait till I get out of work to eat since I usually am out of work by about 4 pm. That day in particular I had a migraine and was starving so I was really hoping some food was in the near future for me. Turns out it wasn't but that's not the point the point is that one of my coworkers had gone out to get lunch and as always had forgotten about my existence. I'm used to it so I didn't say anything but the thing is the person that went out had texted the person I was with and knew I was with them. In that moment I realized that it doesn't really matter what I do that one person in particular doesn't give a flying fuck about me but it hurts because I care so much about them. I don't know that was just one thing that added to how crap I was already feeling both physically and emotionally. I love all of them even the one person who clearly could care less about me so I have just grown used to it. My friends, even though I have never told them have brought me back from some really bad places and I think that's why I have grown to be how I am. I don't know it's a complicated life I lead but I am very okay with it. 

Moving on, why the second week was kind of a shit storm. From start to finish I had the worst migraine I have ever experienced, I haven't been able to really sleep or eat or in actuality do much of anything. But I have still woken up every day at 6 am to get ready for work. When it comes to myself and taking care of my actual being I can be a bit of an idiot, I put everyone's safety and well-being ahead of mine and I'm pretty sure that isn't the best way to live. Any way I have felt like someone had taken my head and played an entire game of soccer plus an extra quarter with it. I currently still feel like that but I think I'll be fine. I will keep you updated on how everything plays out. 

These last ten days have not even slightly been the best. They have been okay and I can only try to make them better. Emotionally I have felt triggered and really wanting to fall into old habits. I just have felt useless and as if my sadness is ruining everyone else around me, which is something I don’t want to happen. As always I think I will be able to work past it but something feel different this time around. I'll make sure to talk about how I'm feeling in my Monday post. Once again I am so sorry for missing so many days. It's tough getting used to a new writing schedule. I have to go and finish marathoning the latest season of Modern Family. Stay safe. xx. 

- Brooklyn Rubi

       Music Recommendation of the Week: 

Name: Migraine

Artist: Twenty One Pilots

Album: Vessel

Why: First off its not a favorite because I have had a continuous migraine but 

because of the lyrics: "Thank God it's Friday. 'Cause Fridays will always be 

better than Sundays. 'Cause Sundays are my suicide days."

My Dad

So I thought that I would make this post about my dad since he's one of the main reasons that I am both a writer and have so much to write about. So here's the story:

Growing up I was a total "Daddy's Girl". My dad came to be with my mom and I about a year after I was born because he had stayed in the Dominican Republic until he received his residency. Once that happened he moved with us to New York and then about 9 months later my brother was born and our little family of four was complete.

From ages 1 to about 10 I admired my father and all he did. He's an amazing cook and he taught me a lot of the things I still use today like that the first thing you do after a shower is put on deodorant and your underwear on and that you can make a paper plane out of basically anything. My dad was one of my biggest inspirations and my biggest cheerleaders. I like to think that still today he's one of my biggest cheerleaders but things have greatly changed in the last eight years or so.

When I was in the fifth grade I transferred from a private school to a semi private school which was a total culture shock because I had been at the same school for my entire life. That's beside the point. I made the transition and all was going well, until one day my brother were in our schools after school program and got a call from the main office that our mother was in the main office and ready to pick us up. Which first of all was completely weird because my mother always picks us up in the front and she had't told us we were being picked up early, which she always did.

That day everything came crashing down for me. Okay maybe it didn't come crashing down and I'm just being dramatic but it was a big deal for me.

When we reach the main office my mom was inside the counselors office crying, mind you the last time at I had seen my mother cry was when my brother had broken his arm in the 1st grade (he was in 4th grade at that time). I asked her what was wrong and Mrs. Wolff, our counselor, had us take a seat next to our mom and she told us our father had a abusive drug and alcohol problem. This for me was a shock because I had seen my dad drink a beer after work and smoke a cigarette but never did I think it went beyond on that.

From that moment on I really have never seen my dad in the same way as I did before then. My mom always points out that I am the only kid that she has ever seen stop being a daddy's girl and just become completely attached to their mother. The thing is I knew that this was the start of something bigger.

From that moment everything seem to just explode. My brother at one point saw my dad snort cocaine off a flat head screwdriver right before they were meant to leave to buy a video game. After that happened he felt the only place he was safe was telling an administrator at our school and she told our mother. Once that happened my dad was sent to a rehabilitation center for 30 days, he was better for a total of 68 days and then he relapsed.

The reason I thought I would share what my brother had seen was because when it happened and my brother learned what would happen to our dad he started to cry and blame himself for what my father had done. Nothing has ever hurt me more that seen my little brother break down and blame himself for the mistake of a man who was in his mind grown up enough to have children and do whatever he wanted but not grown up enough to face his responsibilities.

Getting to understand what kind of relationship I have with my father is important as well to understand why I act like I do. There is basically no relationship between us two, we both coexist with each other but we don't talk to each other or really deal with each other in any way, I refuse too. My brother forgave him for what he did and still continues to do but I just can't forgive the person who used to mean the world tome just let things fall apart like that. As a result from I don't really become attached to any one, I fell into this increasing depression that later led to self harm and a contemplated suicide (future blog post maybe?), and I have become so good at hiding my feelings I basically don't have any left. 

Being that I had such a great childhood and in part that was because of him I don't hate him or think I ever will be able too. But it's still hard to deal with him without feeling anger about what he did to me and his family. 

So there it is, the story of my father and I. I felt this was a story that I needed to tell early on because of the way I might address him in future blog posts and really for me, because no one has ever really asked me why I am so angry they have just commented on it and think it's because I hate everything when in reality that's far from the truth. 

Well I hope this was worth a read and that this was in someway helpful to you in getting to know me! Thank you for reading! You are all wonderful! Have a great day! xx. 

- Brooklyn Rubi