Second Try

"Hello! It's been a while since my last post but it seems that the only time that I have to work on a post is at an insane time like 1 am (like today) or during work when I get 20 minutes away from the kids! And even then I can't work on anything because these children are quite the bunch. Well camp ends on August 1st so I will officially be free to breathe for a bit. This week has been weird.

I was able to visit Google Headquarters and it was the most amazing experience of my life. While I was there I decided that my goal in life is to work or intern at Google at some point during my existence. It was so chill and an amazing environment and I just which I was around that 24/7.


In less exciting news, I had a two severe panic attacks this week. The first one I dealt with on my own and it was induced by my anxiety about college and work and just life in general. The second one was just because of the fact that I felt so disposable. My boss spoke to me in a way that made me feel like I wasn't anything. As if he could replace me with a snap of his fingers and it made..."

I wrote this four months ago and never finished it. Well aren't I great at this whole blogging thing. I'm coming back slowly but surely. I have a lot to write about since officially this Thursday I will be done with my first semester of college. I'm trying to get back into writing because I think I'm starting to get bad again and I don't want that. So lets see how this second try goes! See you in a week! 

The Dream

For the past two nights I have been having the same exact dream. I don't know if it's my insomnia messing with me or the fact that I've gone to bed every night for the past three week at 2 am but its been pretty weird having this dream. 

Fair warning some details are blurry and I am still not 100% sure if this is my dream or something I have compiled in my brain from all the books I've been reading at once.

So here goes: 

As usual I go to sleep, once I've fallen into this deep sleep I find myself in a grocery store. It kind of looks like Target because it's all red and white but I'm not sure. So inside this store I am being told by a person who seems to be my supervisor (ps I work at said store in my dream) to show a young man where to find these veggie burgers names Westfield. I have no idea why hes looking for these burgers in particular but I remember when I, in real life, was a pescatarian, the veggie burgers I would eat were from some brand that had a name like that. So that's how that connects. Moving on, within the dream I walk him towards the burgers and he's attempting to talk to me and we're just having this conversation. As soon as we get to the fridge in area where they are I point and tell him to have a nice day. Before I leave he tells me to wait up and that he'd like to see me again. (this is something that is so impossible it makes me laugh) Right when we're about to exchange numbers this group of people that I'm guessing are his friends come up to him and this one girl in particular kisses him on the cheek. He looks at me as if he's apologizing, I nod, and then walk away. And then I hear someone call my name, as I go to turn I WAKE UP!!! 

This is how I feel when I wake up: 

It has happened for the past two days, even during my naps I have this dream. Plus this isnt the first time I have this dream, I've been having it reoccurring for the last three and half years. I really wish it was real. I've decided that I might write my own ending to this dream someday. But until then I'll just keep hoping that one day that will actually happen to me, 

I hope you are all doing well. Emotionally I am doing much better because I have confronted a couple of the things that were bothering me. It's been a good couple days since my last post. But anyway how have you been? Any weird dreams like this? Let me know! Stay amazing. xx. 

- Brooklyn Rubi 

Music Recommendation of the Day: 

Name: The Middle 

Artist: Jimmy Eat World 

Album: Bleed American

Why: It's just helped me a lot this week. Also this lyric, " It's only in your head you feel 

left out or looked down on." I'm really hoping that lyric is proven true soon. 

10 Days

It has been 10 days since I was meant to post and I have not. I'm sorry. The last ten days have been something from another world that I sometimes wish I understood more thoroughly. Here's the run down: 

After my last post my great aunt passed away after a long and relentless battle with cancer. We knew her time was coming but we didn't expect it to be so soon. I miss her very much and now understand that we really do not understand what we had till it's gone. That woman cared for me and loved me like I didn't even know. She gave me advice on things that affected me in the greater parts of my life and has in many ways inspired me to be a better woman today. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it enough and that because I got too caught up in what my life was becoming I didn't go see you. I'm sorry, I love you, and I’ll see you soon. 

Directly after her death I started to work. This summer I am working with 5th through 8th graders at a summer technology camp for which I am one of the counselors. Being around so many bright children that want to learn and are so well behaved, for the most part, made me feel a lot better and has really helped me through this grieving period. 

Our first week with the kids was great and I really got to see how the kids interacted with us and the other children so it was great. I'll talk about the second week in a bit but it's a key role in how I think this summer will continue to progress. To clarify when I say "our" I mean the kids and my coworkers. I have had the immense pleasure of working with some of my favorite people in this world. I have known these people for about four years now and they are the type of people I hope stick around for a long time. They mean a lot to me even though it may not always be a mutual feeling I know that on my end of the spectrum I would do anything for these people even though I do bitch quite a bit sometimes, but so do they so it's an even trade I think. 

The only thing that it’s kind of makeshift about these friendships is that I came it at quite a late time into their already established friendships so I was a bit of an outsider and then I made some pretty horrible "friend" choices that have led them not to trust me completely which is something I completely understand and am working to fix. But there are also some things that they do that just make me feel like shit. Here's an example one day at work one of my coworkers and I were stuck doing some super boring work for one of our bosses and were just waiting for our lunch break. I usually either bring my lunch or just wait till I get out of work to eat since I usually am out of work by about 4 pm. That day in particular I had a migraine and was starving so I was really hoping some food was in the near future for me. Turns out it wasn't but that's not the point the point is that one of my coworkers had gone out to get lunch and as always had forgotten about my existence. I'm used to it so I didn't say anything but the thing is the person that went out had texted the person I was with and knew I was with them. In that moment I realized that it doesn't really matter what I do that one person in particular doesn't give a flying fuck about me but it hurts because I care so much about them. I don't know that was just one thing that added to how crap I was already feeling both physically and emotionally. I love all of them even the one person who clearly could care less about me so I have just grown used to it. My friends, even though I have never told them have brought me back from some really bad places and I think that's why I have grown to be how I am. I don't know it's a complicated life I lead but I am very okay with it. 

Moving on, why the second week was kind of a shit storm. From start to finish I had the worst migraine I have ever experienced, I haven't been able to really sleep or eat or in actuality do much of anything. But I have still woken up every day at 6 am to get ready for work. When it comes to myself and taking care of my actual being I can be a bit of an idiot, I put everyone's safety and well-being ahead of mine and I'm pretty sure that isn't the best way to live. Any way I have felt like someone had taken my head and played an entire game of soccer plus an extra quarter with it. I currently still feel like that but I think I'll be fine. I will keep you updated on how everything plays out. 

These last ten days have not even slightly been the best. They have been okay and I can only try to make them better. Emotionally I have felt triggered and really wanting to fall into old habits. I just have felt useless and as if my sadness is ruining everyone else around me, which is something I don’t want to happen. As always I think I will be able to work past it but something feel different this time around. I'll make sure to talk about how I'm feeling in my Monday post. Once again I am so sorry for missing so many days. It's tough getting used to a new writing schedule. I have to go and finish marathoning the latest season of Modern Family. Stay safe. xx. 

- Brooklyn Rubi

       Music Recommendation of the Week: 

Name: Migraine

Artist: Twenty One Pilots

Album: Vessel

Why: First off its not a favorite because I have had a continuous migraine but 

because of the lyrics: "Thank God it's Friday. 'Cause Fridays will always be 

better than Sundays. 'Cause Sundays are my suicide days."

My Dad

So I thought that I would make this post about my dad since he's one of the main reasons that I am both a writer and have so much to write about. So here's the story:

Growing up I was a total "Daddy's Girl". My dad came to be with my mom and I about a year after I was born because he had stayed in the Dominican Republic until he received his residency. Once that happened he moved with us to New York and then about 9 months later my brother was born and our little family of four was complete.

From ages 1 to about 10 I admired my father and all he did. He's an amazing cook and he taught me a lot of the things I still use today like that the first thing you do after a shower is put on deodorant and your underwear on and that you can make a paper plane out of basically anything. My dad was one of my biggest inspirations and my biggest cheerleaders. I like to think that still today he's one of my biggest cheerleaders but things have greatly changed in the last eight years or so.

When I was in the fifth grade I transferred from a private school to a semi private school which was a total culture shock because I had been at the same school for my entire life. That's beside the point. I made the transition and all was going well, until one day my brother were in our schools after school program and got a call from the main office that our mother was in the main office and ready to pick us up. Which first of all was completely weird because my mother always picks us up in the front and she had't told us we were being picked up early, which she always did.

That day everything came crashing down for me. Okay maybe it didn't come crashing down and I'm just being dramatic but it was a big deal for me.

When we reach the main office my mom was inside the counselors office crying, mind you the last time at I had seen my mother cry was when my brother had broken his arm in the 1st grade (he was in 4th grade at that time). I asked her what was wrong and Mrs. Wolff, our counselor, had us take a seat next to our mom and she told us our father had a abusive drug and alcohol problem. This for me was a shock because I had seen my dad drink a beer after work and smoke a cigarette but never did I think it went beyond on that.

From that moment on I really have never seen my dad in the same way as I did before then. My mom always points out that I am the only kid that she has ever seen stop being a daddy's girl and just become completely attached to their mother. The thing is I knew that this was the start of something bigger.

From that moment everything seem to just explode. My brother at one point saw my dad snort cocaine off a flat head screwdriver right before they were meant to leave to buy a video game. After that happened he felt the only place he was safe was telling an administrator at our school and she told our mother. Once that happened my dad was sent to a rehabilitation center for 30 days, he was better for a total of 68 days and then he relapsed.

The reason I thought I would share what my brother had seen was because when it happened and my brother learned what would happen to our dad he started to cry and blame himself for what my father had done. Nothing has ever hurt me more that seen my little brother break down and blame himself for the mistake of a man who was in his mind grown up enough to have children and do whatever he wanted but not grown up enough to face his responsibilities.

Getting to understand what kind of relationship I have with my father is important as well to understand why I act like I do. There is basically no relationship between us two, we both coexist with each other but we don't talk to each other or really deal with each other in any way, I refuse too. My brother forgave him for what he did and still continues to do but I just can't forgive the person who used to mean the world tome just let things fall apart like that. As a result from I don't really become attached to any one, I fell into this increasing depression that later led to self harm and a contemplated suicide (future blog post maybe?), and I have become so good at hiding my feelings I basically don't have any left. 

Being that I had such a great childhood and in part that was because of him I don't hate him or think I ever will be able too. But it's still hard to deal with him without feeling anger about what he did to me and his family. 

So there it is, the story of my father and I. I felt this was a story that I needed to tell early on because of the way I might address him in future blog posts and really for me, because no one has ever really asked me why I am so angry they have just commented on it and think it's because I hate everything when in reality that's far from the truth. 

Well I hope this was worth a read and that this was in someway helpful to you in getting to know me! Thank you for reading! You are all wonderful! Have a great day! xx. 

- Brooklyn Rubi

Post 4th of July Blues

First off sorry for the lack of postage in the last couple days I was intensely distracted by some of the cutest kids in the world, my nieces and nephew! They are the children of my two older sisters and, in order of age from youngest to oldest, names Zoe, Francheska, Yumi, and Aramis.

Zoe is the youngest and only 4 years old. But don't let her age fool you, she's a fire cracker of joy and loves to have a cuddle with you just for the comfort. She also out of the four, although the youngest, is the first to argue back if she feels something isnt right or if she just doesn't agree with you. 

Zoe and I, she was focused on Space Jam and I was focused on my story on SnapChat.

Next up is Francheska. She's 6 years old and out of the four the one that is most likely to be the reason I have a headache at the end of the day. She's learning to share and what family is and I just don't understand some of the things she does. For example, on the 4th of July we all were watching the fireworks and she got cold so naturally I gave her my cardigan. Then her sister, Yumi, got cold and I told them to share it and instead of sharing it she threw a tantrum, got herself put on timeout and yelled at by me. I just don't understand how she can treat her older sister like that. I mean all siblings bicker but at the end of the say you still share with them and care for them, and she seems to lack that sympathy. She's a work in progress to say the least and I hope that throughout the summer she begins to notice what's really important and what isn't as much. 

From left to right, Francheska, Zoe, and I. their funny faces are much better than mine.

Moving on! Yumi, the oldest out of the girls, is 7 years old and the most mature little nugget I know. On June 29th it was her birthday and I asked her what she wanted, her first answer was nothing and then she said that all she really wanted to do was move homes since she doesn't get have her own room where she lives now. She has a sensitive soul and loves to help. She enjoys swimming and making kissy faces at animals when she sees them. I cannot wait to see her grow up and see what great things she does. 

Here we have Yumi, she was dying to get back in the pool but she knew she had to wait so sat with me!

Last but not least, Aramis! Hes 10 years old and in reality not really my nephew. My sister got married to his dad about 5 years ago and since then I have created a bond with this little one like no other. Last night he kept me up till past midnight watching baseball movies and telling me about how excited he was for his baseball game on Monday. He is so responsible and tries really hard to make sure everything and everyone around him are okay. He is truly one of my favorite people to be with.

Here we have Aramis and I, once again he's focused on the movie! Just like his sister!

Well these 4 munchkins are what have kept me busy since my last post and until I return to the dreaded work week that is ahead of me. They make my days much brighter and  make me want to be the best version of me just for them. 

Here are some pictures of our weekend: 

Post Pool Selfie!

Movie Night!

How was your weekend? Any tiny people take over or become tiny terrors? Let me know! Also are there any aunts out there! I am still pretty new to being an aunt and maybe swapping tips would help! Thanks. xx. 

- Brooklyn Rubi 

The Weekend!

Hello friends! I am just sitting at home catching up on some much needed sleep and downloading some new albums and though I would just make a little blog about what my weekend will be like. 

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, well more like in 3 hours, but anyway in my family we do it pretty big. We love to do a big barbecue with everything from fireworks to having a bonfire. These last few years my family in Chicago hasn't been as close as we could. But recently due to some trials and tribulations that has changed and I have never been happier. So tomorrow should be really fun!

On a bit of a side note I haven't been really feeling like myself the last few days, I feel like I did a year and half ago. All I want to do is sleep and everything aggravates me plus I just overall feel much sadder than I have in  a long time. I think it has to do with the change that I'm going through personally in the sense that I am trying to be better person. Also the fact that no one really believes that I'm trying to make this change makes it harder. I just, pardon my french, like utter shit. Like this heavy cloud has been put over me and no matter how much I try to shake it is going to be here for a while. I just hope it doesnt get as bad as it used to be. 

Well that's all I have for today, sorry for the tangent but I did say that I would be updating how I feel overall. I hope you all have a fun 4th of July if you celebrate it! If not have a lovely weekend! xx. 

- Brooklyn Rubi 

Music Recommendation of the Week: 

Name: Safe With Me

Artist: Sam Smith

Album: Nirvana

Why: Just because of the lyric:

"I'm here when you are sad. When all your clouds turn black.." 

Those are the words I can only hope someone will say to me! Listen to it! It is amazing!

Hello!

Welcome to my blog! 

My name is Rubi and I am 18 years old, I live in Chicago and even though the title of this blog is "Brooklyn Rubi" doesn't mean that I'm lying to you. I was born in New York specifically in Manhattan but my family is based in Brooklyn so that's where I feel most at home. I visit as much as I can and hope to move back in the near future. So there's my title explained. 

Now let’s talk about me. This past June I graduated high school and this fall will be starting university where I will be working towards a bachelor’s degree in International Business Marketing and Communications. I am currently completing an internship at a high school and will hopefully be working there full time in the fall as well. 

Let’s see what else. I am very outspoken and don't really take shit from anyone. That's one thing I should probably warn you about, I curse quite a bit in my daily life and in my writing so I apologize in advance and I don't mean it in a malicious way I just don't really understand why certain words need to be labelled as forbidden and the rest are not. But that's another discussion for another day. 

Well let me tell you why I have actually decided to make a blog. I suffer from both anxiety and depression and writing has always helped me cope with it. This blog is where I plan on being 100% honest with not only myself but also everyone who comes across this blog. I am still trying to figure out how to work through my anxiety and depression but I am starting to get better with it. I am hoping that this blog helps me cope and keep up with what is going on with me. 

Thank you for your interest if you have read this far and this is only one post of many. Below is a picture of my face and I will be posting every other day on this page and then hopefully everyday on here but let's just take it one day at a time! Stay chill. xx. 

- Brooklyn Rubi